Ultra-independence is a coping mechanism people develop when they have learned it is not safe to trust love or when they fear losing themselves in another person. According to the Rising Woman blog, humans are not meant to go it alone. People are wounded in relationships and heal in relationships.
Many individuals feel they have to do everything on their own. They find it difficult to ask for and receive help because they fear being let down. The term “ultra-independence may be a trauma response” describes this pattern. Those who experience this often live with a constant state of anxiety and physical exhaustion, believing they must handle everything themselves.
People often become ultra-independent because they do not trust others or do not feel worthy of love and support. They may believe that denying support from others and doing things alone will earn them love and acceptance by not being a burden. Maintaining connections and receiving support are basic human needs. When someone says they do not need anybody, that often comes from a part of themselves that wants to protect them from hurt, abuse, criticism, disappointment, or rejection.
If people consider wanting, needing, or receiving support from others, something inside may say it is not safe. They keep these thoughts at bay. They may think that asking for anything makes them weak or too needy, equating it with codependency. But human beings are not meant to do everything alone; there is such a thing as healthy interdependence.
Ultra-independence may also be an extreme unspoken boundary. Learning how to set healthy boundaries can help people feel safe in situations where they thought they would lose themselves. Sometimes people feel the need to be ultra-independent because they do not feel safe being vulnerable and letting others in. If they do, others may see their flaws and insecurities or trigger unresolved traumas and wounds. Deep shame may cause people to avoid connecting with and receiving support from others.
One of the hardest things to understand is that although people have been hurt in relationships, supportive relationships can provide healing and a sense of safety. For one individual, relationships often brought criticism, hurt, rejection, and being screamed at for having natural human feelings and needs. A part of them wanted support and connections, but another part was afraid because as a child, asking for anything made their father angry. Living in a world where they felt all alone, believing they had to do everything on their own while watching others receive support, was difficult.
For that person, being ultra-independent eventually led to denying and suppressing needs and feelings. At age fifteen, they developed anorexia and struggled with depression, anxiety, and self-harm for over twenty-three years. At age twenty, they let their guard down and started a relationship with someone who bought them gifts but attached strings. If they did not do what he wanted, he took back the gifts. He became obsessed, waited outside their house, and drew them in again with gifts and seductive words. This left them confused, wondering if support only came when they were a slave to somebody. After ending that relationship, they made a vow never to receive anything from anyone again.
Later in life, that vow was challenged during a trip to Palm Springs with a friend. They played slot machines, and the friend put in $20. When they won $200 on the first spin, the friend said to cash out and told them they had won. The person tried to give the money back, chasing the friend around the casino because they did not want to receive anything. They thought receiving meant owing something and being owned. The friend, who understood their struggle, explained that he did not want anything in return and that giving to friends and family made him happy. That experience helped shift their perspective.
Healing and Reconnecting
Healing began at age forty when they started reconnecting with themselves, their needs, and their feelings. They began healing the trauma they carried and learned how to ask for support. Some people reacted with anger, while others were happy to fulfill requests. Instead of blaming themselves for believing they had to do everything alone, they made peace with the part of themselves that felt it did not need anybody. By listening to its fears, they understood why it thought protection was necessary. That part revealed the pain of being rejected, hurt, and screamed at for having human feelings and needs.
As they listened with compassion, they acknowledged and validated the fear and pain. They thanked that part for what it had done and let it know it was now loved and safe. When asked what it really wanted, it said it wanted true connections, to feel safe with others, and to receive support, but it was afraid. That younger part was stuck in perspective from childhood wounding and the earlier dating experience. By giving it a chance to speak, they helped it gain new understanding and feel loved and safe. They also began to see a more realistic view of who is safe and who is not, instead of seeing everyone as unsafe based on past traumas.
Ultra-independence did help them heal from years of anorexia, depression, and anxiety. After twenty-three years of hospitals, treatment centers, and traditional therapy with no results, they took healing into their own hands and did most of it alone. However, being in a loving and supportive environment with people who did not try to fix, control, or save them also helped. People are not meant to do life alone, but being alone can be comforting if they fear being hurt by others.
This does not mean forcing oneself to ask for and receive support, especially if afraid. The first step is to create a loving and caring relationship with oneself and understand where the need for ultra-independence comes from. A useful question to ask is: “Why is it not okay for me to receive support?” People should sit with that part of themselves, allow it to show its beliefs, and listen with compassion. Then ask what it really wants and needs. Receiving support is not about being totally dependent on others, which sets up frustration and disappointment. It is also important to learn how to be independent and meet one’s own needs. It is both.
Learning how to connect with feelings and needs, communicate them, and make requests is also important. For example, if someone is going through a challenge and would like support, they can say: “I’m having a hard time right now, and I would really like someone to talk to who will just listen without trying to change me or my situation. Is that something you would be willing to do?” If that feels impossible, it may help to start by building trust with oneself first.
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