The greatest gift you can give your children is your own healing, according to Dr. Shefali Tsabary. For many parents healing from childhood trauma, daily parenting is filled with questions.
Am I doing too much or not enough? Am I harming my child? Am I being too hard or too soft? Do I spend enough time with them? Should I help more or help less?
Parents wonder if a son who talks about his feelings will be taken advantage of, or if a daughter with boundaries will be seen as bossy. These questions flood the minds of parents trying to heal while raising their children.
The main goal for many is straightforward: not to do to their children what was done to them. One parent recalled telling herself she would not have a baby until she had healed enough to avoid repeating the trauma she experienced. She thought it would not be too hard.
She was determined not to dismiss her son’s feelings, to be emotionally and physically present, and to be compassionate and loving no matter what he went through. That is what children need and deserve, she noted.
But then the doubt began. The constant second-guessing and a quiet voice asking if she was doing it wrong emerged. She calls that feeling Not Good Enough Stuff. No matter how many loving things she did, that voice appeared.
She questioned if she talked about feelings too much, if she should let her son handle friend issues alone, or if she should stay or give space when he was upset. She wondered whether to step in with a teacher or let it go, and whether to offer help or wait to be asked.
It is exhausting to try to get it right all the time, she said. Underneath everything, she notices two core fears. The first is whether she is giving her son too much affection.
She always asks him if he wants a hug first. One day, when her son was upset about school, she asked if he wanted a hug. He said no. She paused, unsure what to do, wanting to comfort him in the way she always needed but did not get.
Instead, she asked if he wanted her to sit with him or give him space. He asked her to just sit there. So she sat in silence, fighting the urge to fix things, and her mind raced with questions about whether she was doing enough or too much.
That moment touched something deeper because affection and comfort were not things she received consistently as a child. For a long time, she thought that was normal.
That belief started to shift the first time she spent the night at a friend’s house. Her friend’s mother hugged her before bed. It felt safe, warm, and easy, and she wanted more.
The next night, she told her mother what happened and asked if she would start hugging her at bedtime, too. Her mother became triggered and angry, telling her that if she wanted a mom like her friend’s, she could go live with her.
The parent said she is not sharing that to shame her mother, who also did not receive affection or nurturing. She believes her mother did not know how to give something she never had. But as a child, she learned that her needs were too much.
Those beliefs do not just disappear when we grow up, she said. They follow us into adulthood, into relationships, and into parenting. So now, when her son says no to a hug, it does not feel like a simple preference. It brushes up against something old, and that is where the Not Good Enough Stuff gets louder.
The second fear underneath everything is quieter but just as powerful: Am I pushing him too much to talk about his feelings? Am I setting him up to be seen as weak?
This self-questioning often goes back to childhood, she observed. People had emotional needs that were not met, and now they try to ensure their children do not experience that same emptiness. That is a beautiful thing, but there is one major problem: they were never shown how to do this. It is like trying to get somewhere without a map.
She compared it to moving across the country with no directions, no GPS, and no guide. You would probably get there eventually, but you would take wrong turns, get lost, and feel frustrated along the way. That is what this feels like, she said.
People know the kind of parents they want to be but do not have a clear path for how to get there. So they make mistakes and then turn on themselves for making them. They try so hard to give their kids what they did not have that they start to question if they are overcorrecting.
She said something grounds her when that voice gets loud. People often think they need to give their kids more activities, opportunities, and things. But she has seen children who had very little financially yet had their emotional needs met, and they were emotionally healthy.
She has also known what it feels like to have things but not have the affection, comfort, and nurturing that actually mattered. She said she would have given up a lot of what she had just to feel safe, seen, and loved. That reminder brings her back to what actually matters: not perfection, but connection.
Of course, people are going to make mistakes, she said. That is unavoidable. In some ways, they will get it wrong. But what makes the difference is that they are doing things their parents did not do. They reflect, question, care, and are willing to change.
Working on your own healing while raising your child matters more than getting everything right, she stated. Parents are likely doing something meaningful that their child will carry for life, like apologizing when they mess up, listening instead of dismissing, or trying again the next day. Those things are not small.
She admitted she sometimes loses her temper with her son. In those moments, she hears echoes of how she was raised and sometimes repeats harmful things she heard as a child. But she also notices it, sometimes right after, sometimes in the moment. That awareness allows her to repair, and repair matters more than perfection ever will.
When parents repair with their children, they teach them that mistakes are okay. They teach them how to take responsibility, how to reconnect, and how to build healthy relationships. That is something many people were never taught, and it changes everything.
She advised that when you start questioning yourself again, take a step back. Remember that you are doing something incredibly hard. You are parenting in a way you were never parented. You are learning as you go and choosing something different. That matters more than doing it perfectly ever could. You deserve compassion. You always did. And now, you get to give some of that compassion to yourself.
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