A woman in her fifties who struggled with severe insomnia and feared she was developing dementia learned that stress, not genetics, was driving her symptoms, and she recovered after giving up the need to control everything.
The woman, who worked in a busy clinic and raised a family, said she had been waking up multiple times a night for years. At 3:47 a.m. one night, she recalled thinking, “What if I never sleep again? Sleep is important for brain health, and I’ll end up with dementia.” Her mother had been diagnosed with dementia in her early seventies, and the woman, then in perimenopause at age 50, was already forgetting words and names she used every day.
Her insomnia had started slowly with disrupted sleep from newborn care, then became worse during perimenopause. Stress hormones kept her wired during the day. By age 50, she was managing on about 20 minutes of interrupted sleep a night. She tried dietary changes, natural supplements, sleep specialists, cognitive behavioral therapy, and hormone therapy, but nothing provided lasting relief. She began to forget neighbors’ faces and had trouble recalling family members’ names. She lost concentration during presentations, snapped at her partner, and experienced periods of rage.
When her mother was diagnosed with dementia, the woman said she realized she was terrified she was losing her own memory. She responded by trying to control everything around her. She made lists, demanded that family do things her way, and stuck to strict daily routines. She said she did not ask herself whether the controlling was working or if it was bringing her closer to the people she loved.
One night she yelled at her children for needing help with homework. She heard herself using the same words and tone her mother had used. “This was heartbreaking,” she said.
The turning point came when she took a mindfulness-based stress reduction course. One early exercise required her to lie still and scan her body. She found it excruciating because she felt she had to be “doing.” Later, she practiced noticing how she automatically reacted to stressful situations. She said she discovered a clear pattern: control. She had learned this coping strategy as a child and had not considered whether it was still useful.
“When I saw myself yelling at my children for something as inconsequential as needing help with their homework, I knew control was no longer serving me,” she said.
Once she let go of seeing her insomnia as a catastrophic problem she needed to control, her sleep improved dramatically. Her memory also recovered. She said she still forgets things sometimes, but when she notices it now, she sees it as a sign she is overtaxing herself, not as a sign of dementia. She stopped catastrophizing every forgotten word.
Lessons learned
She identified three insights from the experience. First, control is a mask for fear. When she tried to control everything, she thought she was being responsible, but she was actually terrified. Control kept her from connection to herself and others. Second, the body does not know the difference between a real threat and a perceived threat. Her nervous system was in survival mode because she believed she might be in danger, not because she was. Third, harsh self-criticism only added more stress. Compassion for her exhausted self was what finally helped.
She also described visiting her mother, who did not recognize her. Instead of feeling hurt, she said she felt present. She saw her mother as confused and frustrated, doing her best. The difference, she said, is that she has the opportunity to consciously give up control and meet life with presence and compassion.
- Helena Buarque: ‘Não casamos no papel’ com Brown - abril 24, 2026
- Obras do VLT em São Vicente entram na reta final - abril 24, 2026
- Brasília 66 anos: a música que mostra suas várias faces - abril 24, 2026
